Happy (and trying really hard to not be underwhelmed) Presidents Day!

President’s Day Breakfast for Dinner

A nicely heaping plate of blueberry pancakes, pure maple syrup, Adobo-seasoned eggs over medium and cast-iron-fried bacon seems adequately presidential, as far as I’m concerned. I recommend the standard Bisquick box recipe, but add a little sugar and vanilla, and just a pinch of cinnamon. For the eggs, a light sprinkling of Adobo over the tops as they fry is plenty, and I always cook them just until the whites are done to maximize yolk-dipability for my bacon, each strip of which is brown and crisp, save for the chewy 1/4″ fat-tails. Real maple syrup is essential, considering the heartiness of the meal; that amber-colored corn syrup that Butterworth and her kind sling will have you unconscious one third of the way through your plate. Yeah, that’s right; Aunt Jemima’s not a victim. She’s this guy’s avatar, so pay the extra $2 every other month. You know he does.

Michael F. Barry, CEO Quaker

You should get going. Right after breakfast…

Nanner Cakes

I’ve tried dozens of recipes for pancakes from scratch, but so far nothing has bested Bisquick. This isn’t to say that one should blindly obey package directions when using a mix, and I’ve modified their recipe, creating a tool for rendering adult males immobile for two hours.

To stuff 1 male, and moderately serve the preparer:
1 C Bisquick
1/2 C milk
1 egg
1 tbsp sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 lg banana, cut into thin slices (1/8″ or thinner)

Stir together all the ingredients except the bananas in a medium mixing bowl until the mixture is just combined, but still quite lumpy. Gently fold in the bananas, and try to separate the slices as much as possible to avoid disgustingly cool slug-like pockets. Heat 3 tbsp of vegetable oil in a large pan over medium, and once the oil’s hot, spoon the batter into the oil in 3″ circles, leaving at least 1″ between the cakes. Cook for 1 minute, and you’ll see bubbles start to break on the surface. Flip them over and cook for another 1 minute, adding more oil if they start to smoke. Turn the heat down to low and cook each for another 30 seconds on each side, giving them a gentle press before the final flip, and then again before taking them out. Yes, you’ll sacrifice a little fluff, but again, cool bananas make these inedible.

If you could use an eight-hour chunk of uninterrupted “you time,” be it for a little reconnaissance, a quick jaunt to Atlantic City, or just properly disappearing a body, pair three of these breakfast bombs with some corned beef hash and scrambled eggs, and wait twenty minutes for your alibi to pass out.

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