Maybe next time you won’t be above some eye contact and a smile.

Oatmeal Raisin Daggers

Tuesday is the ideal day of the week for bringing homemade cookies to the office. On Mondays, most people are briefly refreshed after the weekend, and by hump-day they have something planned for the next one to keep them holding on, but Tuesday is the day of no hope in Corporate America. I learned a great deal during my time beneath the fluorescents, not the least of which is that Oatmeal Raisin is the preferred cookie of 90% of VP’s and C-blank-O’s. I advise office agenda bakers to maintain a cookie email distribution list, which you should frequently cross-reference with your shit list. Removal from the former list due to infractions ranging from flagrant ethics breaches to failure to suppress superiority complexes to inappropriate remonstrations is the perfect way to support the what-goes-around principle while protecting yourself from disciplinary action. Your cookie list must be large enough to ensure that the offending party immediately notes their status change, and you should set it up with addresses in the CC, rather than BCC, field to encourage a shackled-in-the-public-square feel.

1/4 C butter, melted
1 C light brown sugar
1/2 C sugar
1 large egg
1/2 C applesauce
1 1/2 C old-fashioned oats
1 1/2 C flour
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp cloves or 1/2 tsp allspice
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 C raisins

Set your oven to 350. Cream together the butter and sugar until blended, then add the brown sugar and mix until completely combined (no lumps!). Beat in the egg, then stir in the applesauce and vanilla. Add the flour, soda, powder, salt and spices and mix until incorporated. Stir in the oats and raisins. Form the dough into 2″ balls, place them 3″ apart on cookie sheets, and bake single sheets for 15 minutes, turning at 7. Upon removal from the oven, let the cookies stand on the pan for 5 minutes, then transfer them to a wire rack to cool completely.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you have a hand in that departmental layoff that transferred Service to underpaid workers in Mexico and still think you were getting a cookie?

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